the extended family

Marriage is never about just the couple but all couples think that love conquers all and that love alone would iron out the creases in the relationship magically. It would be so much easier if the couple live in a vacuum and no one else; including their children exist. Unfortunately, sometimes we get irritated even by our own shadow...or by our hair that doesn't even curl the way we want it to be, or the nose hair that sticks out without our permission or the smelly fart that decided it just need to get out the minute someone else steps into our lift. (Damn! Why does she need to get in just as i let it go??)

And sometimes we even get bored of our own company. ...like that just-turned-adult person who whined "ibu, i didn't do anything today. I am so bored."  (hmmm ....I can't remember ever signing a contract about having to entertain my kids if i have them).

I used to cry whenever i was told my dear late mother-in-law was coming for a visit. I had to quickly clean up the house, make sure the kids don't fight, and enough food in the fridge. I'd be so full of anxiety that one day i was quivering and sobbing on the stairs. "Is my house clean enough? Are my children fat enough for her?  Are the clothes folded nicely? Would my cooking be up to her standard? Are my children smart enough, polite enough, perfect little beings...?" And so on and so on...everything is about me never being good enough...for who, i don't know.

I didn't sign up to be a maid, a cook, a nurse, a financial manager, a sexy pot ready for 24-7 sex while trying to have a career of my own....all i was trained to do was study, get your grades up, finish your degree, work, give parents money etc....although kakak would harp of women's place being in the kitchen, mak never said anything to that effect. So trying to balance what you wanted to do and what society expects you to do took alot of adjusting to the point that you starts to feel you have become invisible.

Life becomes so scripted by society that you don't know where you start and where they end. You became so entangled and so enmeshed; that you felt blamed for even the ripple in the pond; or when your your chilli plant died due to the hot weather. You didn't water the plant..you! you! you! or when everything you do is perceived as being malicious ...to who, you don't know...but you did it because you thought at that moment it was for the best to you and whoever is concerned.

Perception. Perception. Perception.

but by whose perception?

...until the day i looked her in the face and asked her "are you jealous of me? did you feel that i was trying to take your son away from you?"

it gets easier when defenses are down, and masks taken off and we become our authentic self , revealing our insecurities and vulnerabilities.

then can only the conversation begin .."i see you and i hear you.."

"...All i wanted to do was love you as i love my mother"

so do what your nenek did to me ...distracting me when i tried to whine about the other side...stopped me and said "i don't want to know"...or not to allow friction between you and your in-laws when your child starts to roughhouse with his cousins. Never ever think bad of anyone.

We are all on the same side.

Don't allow anything, big or small, to come between you and them. Ever! 

“And among His Signs is this that He created for you wives (spouses) from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for people who reflect.”