...the blood that ran through my vein...

There are times that we wish our parents were much much better than they are/were; more nurturing, more caring to our needs, be at our beck and call, not pay so much attention to our siblings, or their job or their friends or their hobbies...infact, they should not even have a world of their own and should make us their entire world. How dare them not being there when we want them to be or give us what we want! How dare them to be so selfish; to not care for their child! How could they abandon me??Why are they such a disappointment?? I didn't ask to be born!

And as we grow and have children of our own, we are hurt when the 4-year old screamed from the top of the staircase "i wish you are not my parents!"  or the time when a 16 year old looked at you and muttered under his breath, scowling that he thought that "the older the person, the wiser he should be,..but it doesn't seem to be that way" (that's my son) or hear a word from them weeks after weeks after weeks on the flimsy excuse that they are busy, oh so busy so busy so busy that they couldn't leave two words and we are not even asking for the three little words. 

No matter how much our parents disappoint us or how much our children disappoint us, that invisible cord connecting two generations can never be broken. Maybe the distance is only a few hundred miles away, or maybe just 10 km away, yet it may feel as though we come from different universe, but still, we are linked ...i can't take you out of me, nor you can take me out of you. We are still part of one.

So, live with it... better yet, celebrate it!

...because when they are no longer there, nothing in thie world would be able to fill that void.

"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them, "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."

My car and i.

Now is a good time to update my blog while waiting for them to replace my aircond. It is makng some highly shrill noise and the damage to me will be RM350. Last week it costed me RM620 to repair my damaged bumper and reflector. I didn't have the heart to make the girl pay for it after seeing how dejected the mom look. The girl was apologising profusely saying that she had brake as hard as she could; which would mean that she might have a faulty brake. Better for her that she crashed into me; a minor damage than be in a major accident later on. I hope this is a lesson for her, although my daughter said i should teach her a lesson by making her pay. Doing so would cause hardship to her family, and being a student she wouldn't have the money to pay for damages to her car and mine. Not to mention the trauma of being in an accident.

Twice i have been in a major accident: watching the passenger of the motorcycle flying over my car and being the driver of a turtled 4WD. It is very traumatising to see someone hurt because of you. Well, i wasnt exactly at fault. The motorcyclist drove too fast. His wife confided in me that this wasnt his first time; my car didnt hit him. His bike hit me. He was ready to stab me with his wife's scissors but was pulled back by the bystanders. This is when having many brothers make one feel safe. No matter, i was really sorry i hurt his wife as she was pregnant at that time. On hindsight, after being trained to identify abusive men, i dare say he falls into that category. I still think of his wife, after more than 35 years since the incident. I hope something good came out of it.

Hmmm doesn't look like my car is ready and it has been more than 1.5 hours.

A Licensed Counsellor in the making...

that which goes bump in my mind..

It's close to 2am and i am wide awake. I am a coward. I can't sleep alone; sleeping alone means having the lights on and having the lights on means i can't sleep. I'd try putting myself to sleep by watching some movies and when i have decided that the movies have watched me enough..because i fell asleep, i'd switched them off...and then i am back to being wide awake. back to square one. i wish she didnot tell me what he said when he was two. They were standing at the balcony 21 storeys above ground and it was dusk. "wow. he can fly". Mommy asked "who?" Pointing to the sky, he answered "the man in white". a child's imagination? or their pure innocence revealing that which skeptics no longer see?

i don't want to believe in them but there's too many people encountering too many of them. ..so they are there; among us. Just as bugs, spiders, mites ... i can't see dust mites. i would rather not see them but i am sharing their space. They are crawling all over me..they don't bother me as long as i can't see them. Thank God for that!

why the heck am i trying to frighten myself?!

this is my space...that's your space...see this line..? .don't you dare cross it!































A Licensed Counsellor in the making...

Slapping as a lesson for rudeness? to your wife?

 It is normal for any couple not to see eye to eye with each other about certain issues. The malay even have a saying or was it a lyric from one of P. Ramlee's song?

"...our own teeth would bite our tongue.."

i would forgive anything under the stars but cheating is a deal-breaker.

oh! i forgot....emotional, mental and physical abuses are also deal breakers.

Are abusers remorseful of what they did to their significant other whom they are supposed to "love"? Of course their concept of love is "I just want to teach her a lesson because that's what my religion taught me....i am the one to guide her..." Okay, buddy..you are so way out of line here. No religion would teach you to harm others unless it is to defend yourself... and definitely not to the one whom you are sharing your life with. Not to anyone. Period. 

[Quran 30:21] "Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think."

the extended family

Marriage is never about just the couple but all couples think that love conquers all and that love alone would iron out the creases in the relationship magically. It would be so much easier if the couple live in a vacuum and no one else; including their children exist. Unfortunately, sometimes we get irritated even by our own shadow...or by our hair that doesn't even curl the way we want it to be, or the nose hair that sticks out without our permission or the smelly fart that decided it just need to get out the minute someone else steps into our lift. (Damn! Why does she need to get in just as i let it go??)

And sometimes we even get bored of our own company. ...like that just-turned-adult person who whined "ibu, i didn't do anything today. I am so bored."  (hmmm ....I can't remember ever signing a contract about having to entertain my kids if i have them).

I used to cry whenever i was told my dear late mother-in-law was coming for a visit. I had to quickly clean up the house, make sure the kids don't fight, and enough food in the fridge. I'd be so full of anxiety that one day i was quivering and sobbing on the stairs. "Is my house clean enough? Are my children fat enough for her?  Are the clothes folded nicely? Would my cooking be up to her standard? Are my children smart enough, polite enough, perfect little beings...?" And so on and so on...everything is about me never being good enough...for who, i don't know.

I didn't sign up to be a maid, a cook, a nurse, a financial manager, a sexy pot ready for 24-7 sex while trying to have a career of my own....all i was trained to do was study, get your grades up, finish your degree, work, give parents money etc....although kakak would harp of women's place being in the kitchen, mak never said anything to that effect. So trying to balance what you wanted to do and what society expects you to do took alot of adjusting to the point that you starts to feel you have become invisible.

Life becomes so scripted by society that you don't know where you start and where they end. You became so entangled and so enmeshed; that you felt blamed for even the ripple in the pond; or when your your chilli plant died due to the hot weather. You didn't water the plant..you! you! you! or when everything you do is perceived as being malicious ...to who, you don't know...but you did it because you thought at that moment it was for the best to you and whoever is concerned.

Perception. Perception. Perception.

but by whose perception?

...until the day i looked her in the face and asked her "are you jealous of me? did you feel that i was trying to take your son away from you?"

it gets easier when defenses are down, and masks taken off and we become our authentic self , revealing our insecurities and vulnerabilities.

then can only the conversation begin .."i see you and i hear you.."

"...All i wanted to do was love you as i love my mother"

so do what your nenek did to me ...distracting me when i tried to whine about the other side...stopped me and said "i don't want to know"...or not to allow friction between you and your in-laws when your child starts to roughhouse with his cousins. Never ever think bad of anyone.

We are all on the same side.

Don't allow anything, big or small, to come between you and them. Ever! 

“And among His Signs is this that He created for you wives (spouses) from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for people who reflect.”

Count Down to Mount Kinabalu! Another 14 more days to go.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I am left with just 2 more weeks!

Anxiety? Tak usah cakap. Takut giler. Whenever i think about the climb, i get palpilations. Well, not exactly. The palpilations were mainly due to the submission dateline of my internship documentations. I am still not out of the loop yet..but at least i am no longer cock-eyed trying to tally the figures in the wee hours. Now i have to worry about my fitness level and if i can overcome altitude sickness.

I have done Bukit gasing, bukit apek, ayer hitam forest reserve and pine tree hill.

After Pine Tree Hill, a 7 hours i-almost-died-hike, the rest seems easy peasy. That beauty is a full body workout. Clambering over huge logs, sliding downhill on butts, pulling tree roots to pull upwards and yet defeated by an almost vertical climb of 3 minutes to reach the peak. Really humiliating. As a newbie, it is a shock to my system but i love it! I stiĺl hope to climb bukit nuang; someone said you train on mount K to climb nuang. Hmmmm

Still hunting for the essentials to climb mount k. I have  lost one toe nail since training. Both the nails on my big toes are still black. Other women use nail polish while mine is au naturel and i feel good being in my skin; albeit getting darker.

adter the Bukit Gasing clim. Eureka!

I am not happy that i am just climbing bukit gasing for less than 2 hours. I doubt if it is sufficient to build my stamina. I have to remind myself that the beauty is not the destination, but the journey. Sometimes i wonder what actually IS the destination. Is it when we are at our death bed we would be saying "i am satisfied with my life now, and i am ready to let go"? Is there actually such thing as a life that is without an "if only..." or a life of "i wish i didn't do it because it was not worth it.."

..and then i watch the guy who made the bus-stand his home...what was he thinking when he lay his head down every night on the bench, what dreams does he have while awake or when he sleeps? What stories will he tell me if i ask.

Xxxxçxxcxxxxxxxxxx

The first time i set my heart to climb Mount Kinabalu was when you, Cici, was just a toddler. Remember that time, you were so chubby; and the folds of your fat arms and legs made you look like little Buddha. Your skin was so fair, maybe slightly fairer than you are now with brownish hair. Most times when i picked you up at the Baby sitter's house, i'd see you seated on her ample lap and you looked so happy and contented. I remembered a little boy probably a couple of years older than you who would show me his toy of the day. Then there's the pretty kadazan helper whose smile would light up the room. Do you remember the little electrical poodle toy that we bought for you and you'd let all your teeny friends enjoying themselves; clapping their hands to make it move? You were very happy there. We did take a picture of you being hugged by the kindly faced bosomy baby sitter with your friends surrounding you. You were the baby of that house; loved by the carers and the other chidren.

I didn't get to climb Mount Kinabalu while we were there; although your papa did. We wanted to, when your auntie and uncle came over for a visit. We were so excited at the prospect of climbing but the excitement was greater when we found out your aunt was carrying their first child. And so, i shelved that idea...

Life happens, and ibu forgot all about it.

Until a few weeks ago, a group of mid-lifers decided to take up the challenge. Date : end of August. 50% of payment made.
And now time for training to build stamina.

1st Week
The whole of last week i did 30 minutes on the treadmill! Hallelujah! A good start when the only form of exercise i normally do is to watch online movie on viooz or putlucker.

2nd week

Climbed Bukit Saga. Normally it takes 6 hours to and fro; the reward being the waterfall. I did it within 7 hours; with alot of stops trying to force oxygen into my lungs. A day later, muscle ache.

Rule No. 1 : Don't make impulsive decisions until you know what you are getting into. "it's only a 3-hour trek to the waterfall". What she omitted to tell you was that the 3-hour is just one way.

Rule No. 2 : Don't start your journey at 11am because by that time the heat is terrible.

Rule No.3 : Don't go with a 21 year old daughter because she will say "Dont sit down!! Stand!! Come on!! We are wasting daylight hours!! You can do it!! they are just steps and you won't roll down the ravine! When you go downhill, just run..!.(and that's how she fell)

Rule No. 4 : Don't stare at elderly folks who sprinted past you. No fair. They used staff to help them climb. Next time bring your own staff,  otherwise they'd pity you and lend you theirs. Shameful!

Rule No.5 : Keep hydrated. Two big bottles of mineral water may be sufficient. I prefer my own sophisticated 3 packets of soya drink plus 1 small bottle of mineral water. Definitely not sufficient! ..and maybe chocolates to your heart's content..or not.

Another blow up.

   

"you should be supportive of whatever decison that i made just as i supported you in yours. Stop being selfish.".
" Is that so? i have always felt that i lost my siblings whenver they marry...the closeness..they would be busy with their own wife and children and then they forget me..."
" you would have gained another sibling if you have been closed to their spouses but you didn't. You pushed them away."
"..that was what i was taught!! Mom hated me!!. She treated me like a step-daughter!! she wanted to abandon me..i had to quickly marry...!!"
"you have to let it go. Forgive her. It's hurting you..."
"how would you know??!! You were not there!! You were at your boarding school. You dont know what is happening at home!!"

...and she slammed the car boot in anger, and in her distraught emotional state of mind, she left her phone behind.

Ok..where was this leading to?
Again, another blow up. Each time i brought up some other matters, the same issue will come out.

It is understandable that a child would feel devastated when she perceived she is hated by her parent. Not an easy task to change that perception although in reality, only her name existed in the title deeds. If her parents did not love and care for her, they would not have made sure she has that privilege that her other siblings do not have.

"I want to hurt you as you have hurt me!!" and so kept stabbing and twisting the knife onto herself.

...and with that thought that i am not loved by the one who gave birth to me, therefore i am unlovable, and therefore i should reject them before they reject me...

..so, what does it take for me to feel loved?...

what?

A person can choose to be stuck at those times when she was emotionally wounded by the parent, or she can choose not to be that wounded child anymore. Why do you allow anyone to have such control over your life; albeit your own parents?








A Licensed Counsellor in the making...

You are loved no matter what...

My Beloved Children,

Today's lesson is about parents' love for their children.

It's been 12 days since nenek passed away. Kak Rei is busy scrubbing and cleaning the house. Ibu wish I could keep her with me; her loyalty towards nenek and Atok cannot be bought with money. But it would be very selfish of me if i do that when there are other family who needs her more than me.

Ibu gave away my poncho that I bought in South America and my jacket that i bought in China to one of you aunts. During Nenek's last few days, she was wrapped in them. Even though those warm clothing are of sentimental value to me, i believe your aunt needs it more to comfort her in her grieve over Nenek's passing.

My siblings and i are going through what nenek left for us; which is almost next to nothing. As in any family, not everyone thinks the same way. Whatever contentions that were expressed among siblings, were actually a cry of anguish due to perception that possessions left by nenek is her expression of love. Although she meant well by trying to be fair to her children, it is still very hurtful
that one has to pay cash to possess her old jewellery. Anything that she gives away is connotated with her giving her love to that person. So for those who did not get anything perceived they were unloved.

And the pattern will be repeated among the three of you if you are not aware of what is going on.

No matter what our parents did, we will still think that they did not love us enough. I don't want the three of you to ever feel that way. Love cannot be quantified and expressed in objects. And again, ibu wants to stress here not to be calculative among your siblings, have compassion and take good care of each other.

A song dedicated to all three of you..and my grandchildren... :)

How long will I love you
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I can
How long will I need you
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan

How long will I be with you
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash up on the sand

How long will I want you
As long as you want me too
And longer by far
How long will I hold you
As long as your father told you
As long as you are

How long will I give to you
As long as I live through you
However long you say

How long will I love you
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I may






A Licensed Counsellor in the making...

Mak

    

A Promise Kept.

"Mak, promise me you will not go anywhere" while i held your hand in the Emergency Room; tears rolling down my face. ". "Where can i go when i can't even move?" you said weakly. "No, promise me you will not go until i come home!" and then your eyes lit up with understanding and you asked me to come back safely. I thanked Allah, you got better and was discharged...and then i came home. The minute you saw me you said "I want to go home". You repeated your request because you saw my confusion. I was so happy because i thought you wanted to come home with me. Mak, my home had felt so empty without you,"No, Mak want to go home...the 6foot house" you said softly. "i have troubled my children too long". I am sorry, Mak, at that moment I pretended not to understand you and changed the subject.

And yesterday, Mak, for the firs time i carried you the way you carried me when i was a child. You felt so light and warm in my arms. In my awkwardness, i caused your hand to bleed. You seemed so far away and i know i am losing you. But you still managed to scold me for the last time; for taking so long to park the car.

Mak, for so many years i have dreaded this moment where you will never go home with me ever again. You kept your promise to me and i have kept my promise to you. I rode with you in the van to keep you company; to prepare you for your temporary house. Mak, we bathed you for the last time. We kissed you for the last time. I really hope you feel our love for you. Did you see how your grandsons and sons build your house for you? And we said our last goodbyes to you. You and I, we have created a billion memories too hard for me to reminisce now.For where ever you are now, i pray that you will have beautiful dreams, better than the ones you had before.
In Allah's mercy, I pray that we will still meet again in Jannah; and you will not see the last of me ...and you can still scold me...and you will never ever have to worry about me leaving you ever again.

“And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith, to them shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything”

[at-Toor 52:21].

What is life, Ibu?

What do you say to your 21 year old daughter when she keeps asking you "What is Life?". 

Maybe Life is about jumping in; sometimes with your eyes wide open and sometimes with your eyes closed. 

It is about maneuvering the raft over and around the rapids; about teamwork and protecting each others' back. It is about being in the "now" and going with the flow. But sometimes the one you trust the most is the one who flips the boat. Sure, you will be underwater and swallow tons of water ..or you can just stop fighting 

... which means 2 things can happen :you will float or you will wake up and its judgment day.Either way, you still win..and you can look back and say to yourself that "hey, i am still okay..it wasn't so bad after all." .. then wipe your face...grab your paddle and continue your journey...

Just remember that the one who flipped the raft ...he fell,too...












A Licensed Counsellor in the making...

Being Happy in the moment

Adelaide : 
Going on a holiday on impulse with no itinerary...means... not having any expectations and just going with the flow...which means: no disappointments and everything that is happening becomes a source of joy. 

We missed some of the usual tourisy places but happiness is more about giggling over being lost, or laughing over the smell of cat's urine in our airbnb room or crushing eucalyptus leaves and inhaling the fragrance or watching the jellyfish bobbing and eating rendang puff that doesn't taste like rendang .... and most of all, meeting an old high schoolmate who never seem to age...at the end of it, it is about one's life priority at that moment. 

When one feels that one doesn't need to achieve anything to be happy.
























A Licensed Counsellor in the making...