Another blow up.

   

"you should be supportive of whatever decison that i made just as i supported you in yours. Stop being selfish.".
" Is that so? i have always felt that i lost my siblings whenver they marry...the closeness..they would be busy with their own wife and children and then they forget me..."
" you would have gained another sibling if you have been closed to their spouses but you didn't. You pushed them away."
"..that was what i was taught!! Mom hated me!!. She treated me like a step-daughter!! she wanted to abandon me..i had to quickly marry...!!"
"you have to let it go. Forgive her. It's hurting you..."
"how would you know??!! You were not there!! You were at your boarding school. You dont know what is happening at home!!"

...and she slammed the car boot in anger, and in her distraught emotional state of mind, she left her phone behind.

Ok..where was this leading to?
Again, another blow up. Each time i brought up some other matters, the same issue will come out.

It is understandable that a child would feel devastated when she perceived she is hated by her parent. Not an easy task to change that perception although in reality, only her name existed in the title deeds. If her parents did not love and care for her, they would not have made sure she has that privilege that her other siblings do not have.

"I want to hurt you as you have hurt me!!" and so kept stabbing and twisting the knife onto herself.

...and with that thought that i am not loved by the one who gave birth to me, therefore i am unlovable, and therefore i should reject them before they reject me...

..so, what does it take for me to feel loved?...

what?

A person can choose to be stuck at those times when she was emotionally wounded by the parent, or she can choose not to be that wounded child anymore. Why do you allow anyone to have such control over your life; albeit your own parents?








A Licensed Counsellor in the making...

You are loved no matter what...

My Beloved Children,

Today's lesson is about parents' love for their children.

It's been 12 days since nenek passed away. Kak Rei is busy scrubbing and cleaning the house. Ibu wish I could keep her with me; her loyalty towards nenek and Atok cannot be bought with money. But it would be very selfish of me if i do that when there are other family who needs her more than me.

Ibu gave away my poncho that I bought in South America and my jacket that i bought in China to one of you aunts. During Nenek's last few days, she was wrapped in them. Even though those warm clothing are of sentimental value to me, i believe your aunt needs it more to comfort her in her grieve over Nenek's passing.

My siblings and i are going through what nenek left for us; which is almost next to nothing. As in any family, not everyone thinks the same way. Whatever contentions that were expressed among siblings, were actually a cry of anguish due to perception that possessions left by nenek is her expression of love. Although she meant well by trying to be fair to her children, it is still very hurtful
that one has to pay cash to possess her old jewellery. Anything that she gives away is connotated with her giving her love to that person. So for those who did not get anything perceived they were unloved.

And the pattern will be repeated among the three of you if you are not aware of what is going on.

No matter what our parents did, we will still think that they did not love us enough. I don't want the three of you to ever feel that way. Love cannot be quantified and expressed in objects. And again, ibu wants to stress here not to be calculative among your siblings, have compassion and take good care of each other.

A song dedicated to all three of you..and my grandchildren... :)

How long will I love you
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I can
How long will I need you
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan

How long will I be with you
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash up on the sand

How long will I want you
As long as you want me too
And longer by far
How long will I hold you
As long as your father told you
As long as you are

How long will I give to you
As long as I live through you
However long you say

How long will I love you
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I may






A Licensed Counsellor in the making...

Mak

    

A Promise Kept.

"Mak, promise me you will not go anywhere" while i held your hand in the Emergency Room; tears rolling down my face. ". "Where can i go when i can't even move?" you said weakly. "No, promise me you will not go until i come home!" and then your eyes lit up with understanding and you asked me to come back safely. I thanked Allah, you got better and was discharged...and then i came home. The minute you saw me you said "I want to go home". You repeated your request because you saw my confusion. I was so happy because i thought you wanted to come home with me. Mak, my home had felt so empty without you,"No, Mak want to go home...the 6foot house" you said softly. "i have troubled my children too long". I am sorry, Mak, at that moment I pretended not to understand you and changed the subject.

And yesterday, Mak, for the firs time i carried you the way you carried me when i was a child. You felt so light and warm in my arms. In my awkwardness, i caused your hand to bleed. You seemed so far away and i know i am losing you. But you still managed to scold me for the last time; for taking so long to park the car.

Mak, for so many years i have dreaded this moment where you will never go home with me ever again. You kept your promise to me and i have kept my promise to you. I rode with you in the van to keep you company; to prepare you for your temporary house. Mak, we bathed you for the last time. We kissed you for the last time. I really hope you feel our love for you. Did you see how your grandsons and sons build your house for you? And we said our last goodbyes to you. You and I, we have created a billion memories too hard for me to reminisce now.For where ever you are now, i pray that you will have beautiful dreams, better than the ones you had before.
In Allah's mercy, I pray that we will still meet again in Jannah; and you will not see the last of me ...and you can still scold me...and you will never ever have to worry about me leaving you ever again.

“And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith, to them shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything”

[at-Toor 52:21].