the extended family

Marriage is never about just the couple but all couples think that love conquers all and that love alone would iron out the creases in the relationship magically. It would be so much easier if the couple live in a vacuum and no one else; including their children exist. Unfortunately, sometimes we get irritated even by our own shadow...or by our hair that doesn't even curl the way we want it to be, or the nose hair that sticks out without our permission or the smelly fart that decided it just need to get out the minute someone else steps into our lift. (Damn! Why does she need to get in just as i let it go??)

And sometimes we even get bored of our own company. ...like that just-turned-adult person who whined "ibu, i didn't do anything today. I am so bored."  (hmmm ....I can't remember ever signing a contract about having to entertain my kids if i have them).

I used to cry whenever i was told my dear late mother-in-law was coming for a visit. I had to quickly clean up the house, make sure the kids don't fight, and enough food in the fridge. I'd be so full of anxiety that one day i was quivering and sobbing on the stairs. "Is my house clean enough? Are my children fat enough for her?  Are the clothes folded nicely? Would my cooking be up to her standard? Are my children smart enough, polite enough, perfect little beings...?" And so on and so on...everything is about me never being good enough...for who, i don't know.

I didn't sign up to be a maid, a cook, a nurse, a financial manager, a sexy pot ready for 24-7 sex while trying to have a career of my own....all i was trained to do was study, get your grades up, finish your degree, work, give parents money etc....although kakak would harp of women's place being in the kitchen, mak never said anything to that effect. So trying to balance what you wanted to do and what society expects you to do took alot of adjusting to the point that you starts to feel you have become invisible.

Life becomes so scripted by society that you don't know where you start and where they end. You became so entangled and so enmeshed; that you felt blamed for even the ripple in the pond; or when your your chilli plant died due to the hot weather. You didn't water the plant..you! you! you! or when everything you do is perceived as being malicious ...to who, you don't know...but you did it because you thought at that moment it was for the best to you and whoever is concerned.

Perception. Perception. Perception.

but by whose perception?

...until the day i looked her in the face and asked her "are you jealous of me? did you feel that i was trying to take your son away from you?"

it gets easier when defenses are down, and masks taken off and we become our authentic self , revealing our insecurities and vulnerabilities.

then can only the conversation begin .."i see you and i hear you.."

"...All i wanted to do was love you as i love my mother"

so do what your nenek did to me ...distracting me when i tried to whine about the other side...stopped me and said "i don't want to know"...or not to allow friction between you and your in-laws when your child starts to roughhouse with his cousins. Never ever think bad of anyone.

We are all on the same side.

Don't allow anything, big or small, to come between you and them. Ever! 

“And among His Signs is this that He created for you wives (spouses) from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for people who reflect.”

Count Down to Mount Kinabalu! Another 14 more days to go.

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I am left with just 2 more weeks!

Anxiety? Tak usah cakap. Takut giler. Whenever i think about the climb, i get palpilations. Well, not exactly. The palpilations were mainly due to the submission dateline of my internship documentations. I am still not out of the loop yet..but at least i am no longer cock-eyed trying to tally the figures in the wee hours. Now i have to worry about my fitness level and if i can overcome altitude sickness.

I have done Bukit gasing, bukit apek, ayer hitam forest reserve and pine tree hill.

After Pine Tree Hill, a 7 hours i-almost-died-hike, the rest seems easy peasy. That beauty is a full body workout. Clambering over huge logs, sliding downhill on butts, pulling tree roots to pull upwards and yet defeated by an almost vertical climb of 3 minutes to reach the peak. Really humiliating. As a newbie, it is a shock to my system but i love it! I stiĺl hope to climb bukit nuang; someone said you train on mount K to climb nuang. Hmmmm

Still hunting for the essentials to climb mount k. I have  lost one toe nail since training. Both the nails on my big toes are still black. Other women use nail polish while mine is au naturel and i feel good being in my skin; albeit getting darker.

adter the Bukit Gasing clim. Eureka!

I am not happy that i am just climbing bukit gasing for less than 2 hours. I doubt if it is sufficient to build my stamina. I have to remind myself that the beauty is not the destination, but the journey. Sometimes i wonder what actually IS the destination. Is it when we are at our death bed we would be saying "i am satisfied with my life now, and i am ready to let go"? Is there actually such thing as a life that is without an "if only..." or a life of "i wish i didn't do it because it was not worth it.."

..and then i watch the guy who made the bus-stand his home...what was he thinking when he lay his head down every night on the bench, what dreams does he have while awake or when he sleeps? What stories will he tell me if i ask.

Xxxxçxxcxxxxxxxxxx

The first time i set my heart to climb Mount Kinabalu was when you, Cici, was just a toddler. Remember that time, you were so chubby; and the folds of your fat arms and legs made you look like little Buddha. Your skin was so fair, maybe slightly fairer than you are now with brownish hair. Most times when i picked you up at the Baby sitter's house, i'd see you seated on her ample lap and you looked so happy and contented. I remembered a little boy probably a couple of years older than you who would show me his toy of the day. Then there's the pretty kadazan helper whose smile would light up the room. Do you remember the little electrical poodle toy that we bought for you and you'd let all your teeny friends enjoying themselves; clapping their hands to make it move? You were very happy there. We did take a picture of you being hugged by the kindly faced bosomy baby sitter with your friends surrounding you. You were the baby of that house; loved by the carers and the other chidren.

I didn't get to climb Mount Kinabalu while we were there; although your papa did. We wanted to, when your auntie and uncle came over for a visit. We were so excited at the prospect of climbing but the excitement was greater when we found out your aunt was carrying their first child. And so, i shelved that idea...

Life happens, and ibu forgot all about it.

Until a few weeks ago, a group of mid-lifers decided to take up the challenge. Date : end of August. 50% of payment made.
And now time for training to build stamina.

1st Week
The whole of last week i did 30 minutes on the treadmill! Hallelujah! A good start when the only form of exercise i normally do is to watch online movie on viooz or putlucker.

2nd week

Climbed Bukit Saga. Normally it takes 6 hours to and fro; the reward being the waterfall. I did it within 7 hours; with alot of stops trying to force oxygen into my lungs. A day later, muscle ache.

Rule No. 1 : Don't make impulsive decisions until you know what you are getting into. "it's only a 3-hour trek to the waterfall". What she omitted to tell you was that the 3-hour is just one way.

Rule No. 2 : Don't start your journey at 11am because by that time the heat is terrible.

Rule No.3 : Don't go with a 21 year old daughter because she will say "Dont sit down!! Stand!! Come on!! We are wasting daylight hours!! You can do it!! they are just steps and you won't roll down the ravine! When you go downhill, just run..!.(and that's how she fell)

Rule No. 4 : Don't stare at elderly folks who sprinted past you. No fair. They used staff to help them climb. Next time bring your own staff,  otherwise they'd pity you and lend you theirs. Shameful!

Rule No.5 : Keep hydrated. Two big bottles of mineral water may be sufficient. I prefer my own sophisticated 3 packets of soya drink plus 1 small bottle of mineral water. Definitely not sufficient! ..and maybe chocolates to your heart's content..or not.